So, you've met someone substantial, quite possibly the man or women of your dreams? You would like to be in a committed relationship with this person however,  you have low self esteem and you haven't been able to stay in a "healthy"  committed relationship or have avoided it all together until now. How do you succeed in retaining a healthy relationhip? Well, first rule of thumb is, if you think you have self-esteem issues or deep rooted issues from your past and you are willing to admit to it, then the first step is to get counseling before entering this relationship. Refrain!!  It will only turn into disaster if you do not resovle your issues before entering this union! I say this based on my own personal experiences. 

I have two friends that have repeatedly sabotaged their relationships, blaming the other party for their relationships' woes, when all along they were the reason of the failed union.  Does this sound like you?  If so, stop here and find the best therapist and get these issues resolved before reading on, or maybe this self-help page can assist you somehow? The worst enemy is denial. Not getting help is the worst thing you can do. Unfortunately for my two friends, they are not willing to admit that they are the problem in their failed relationships. So they are stuck in this vicious vortex of continual heartache.

Ok, so lets say you have no real deep rooted issues and you just need some good sound advice.  In a relationship, one should feel safe, supported, respected, and the relationship should be nonpunitive and peaceful. Most people have a need to feel desired, taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved. They also want to feel that they are a part of something and not alone in such a relationship. In healthy relationships, you should experience forgiving and being forgiven without revenge or being reminded of past offenses. A healthy intimate relationship should have a plan, order and a sense of direction. You should be able to experience being free and independant to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other person. It is imperative that you be yourself. Down the road you will feel resentment for changing into someone you never really wanted to be. The person you choose to be with will accept you for who you are. This relationship makes you free from needing to question and analyze every minute of a partner's day and demanding detail of what goes on in it. Everyone suffers from certain levels of insecurity however, extreme jealousy is a relationship killer.

 An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people's feelings and process of the relationship coming before material things and acquiring money. This relationship encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality. This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. Being too needy, is another relationship killer. Its the biggest turn off for men especially. Most normal men love and admire a woman that are confident and independant. 

 Remember the movie, "He's Just Not Into You."?  Well, like the character in the movie, some people refuse to accept that someone is just not into them. Have you ever been in a relationship that felt so one way?  You were doing all the work and the other person was just continually oblivious to your needs, almost intetionally? I have a friend that has been in long term courtship, hoping for a marirage proposal however, she has only faced unmet needs and no ring on the finger. She is clearly emotionally involved even after being repeadtly rejected by him, and for him, the relationship is purely sexual in nature.

She insists that she will change his mind and get a marriage proposal out of him. He has constantly broke up with her when she became too demanding and her lectures turned into verbal berating and abusive. When things went well and marriage wasn't brought up, he was a happy camper. He was getting his needs met without having to go into the dating pool but she was continually getting the run-around from him. This has been an on-going for almost four years now. I can't even count how many times they have broken-up and got back together. She is the one who continues to pursue him. I have a feeling part of her refusal is the financial security. He owns his house which she is living in and if she leaves, she has to figure out where she can afford to live. Recently he asked her to move out of his house and end the relationship. She called me upset again but after hours of talks and texts of me counseling her, she assured me it was over and that she knew that this relationship is not healthy. Later I found out she had not left him and is still trying to convice him to marry her. Now, this is a perfect case of denial. She also has unresolved issues that she refuses to get therapy for. If she had gotten the therapy, she would have recognized that this was not the man for her. So where is this relationship headed? It is headed for more heartache. 

She is stuck in a vicious cycle. Poor woman can't seem to grasp that he will never marry her and is just using her for sex. Let me also add, since her divorce, she has been involved in over six relationships with the same type of men and it always ended badly.  She has pretty much destroyed our friendship as well. Friendships can also be toxic and I know when to end those one way friendships. It is healthy to remove toxic people from your life. I have a nickname for them, Emotional Vampires, because they suck and drain you of your energy, your time and happiness. Nobody needs friends like that.

So for those of you that aren't so clueless. Here are some indications of when someone isn't into you.

1. This person never wants to talk about being exclusive, being committed or marriage

2. Doesn't call or text to check-in and see how you are doing. Won't answer your texts or calls immediately. Hours would have passed until you get a reply. Seems like they only call or visit when they want sex

3. Makes you pay for things, dinner, trips, etc

4. Puts their friends first. You are not the priority.

5. Cancels and reschedules on you continually 

6. Goes for days without contacting you

7. Doesn't introduce you as their significant other, only as their friend or just doesn't introduce you at all.  Leaves you in a corner to fend for yourself.

8. Takes trips with friends without you.

9. Forgets your birthday or special occassion.

10. Always on their phone texting or taking calls when you are together

11. Doesn't buy you gifts 

12. Doesn't seem concerned when you want to call it quits when your needs are not getting met

13. Constantly breaks up when you want to discuss furthering the relationship but comes around later, obviously for sex then you don't hear from them for days.

These indicators are behaviors that show your partner is not into to you and so don't waste time trying to make them want you. You can't change or force people to love you. If you think you are in a relationship like this. Get out fast.